January 2013
1 post
Emily's Train Adventure (thus far)... We're only...
1) Emily arrives at Penn Station at 8:20 AM on a Saturday morning en route to Washington DC to visit two of her dearest friends, Mark and Patty. The last time she woke up this early on a Saturday was over a decade ago on the morning of her bat mitzvah. This was because she couldn’t sleep well with her hair in such a tight updo. Emily is at Penn Station 45 minutes before her train’s...
August 2012
1 post
Part 1 of Family Vacation: We're not the Swiss...
I hang my head in shame as I type this first sentence. Dear reader (I’m not even pretending there are multiple ones of you out there anymore; hi, Mom) my only defense is that this would have been completed at least a fortnight sooner if not for the residual guilt that kept me from writing a return post. Like searching for a library book that’s accrued the equivalent of a mortgage in...
May 2012
1 post
Free Room for a Trouble-Free Woman
Dear reader, as always I am ready with an excuse for the absence of new posts. Last time, I blamed a Jewish holiday and here I am again, almost a month later, ready to justify my writing hiatus. A related side note, “hiatus” is such a wonderfully grown-up sounding word for “that period when I watched ‘Call Me Maybe’ on YouTube 16 times in a row.” Actually, though, I have a slightly more legitimate...
April 2012
2 posts
Passover 2012, Part 2: The Seder, or when the...
As almost any spiritually-bankrupt American Jew will tell you, Passover seders can be pretty long and boring. It’s supposed to make you feel like you’re reliving the exodus from Egypt, but most of the time you’re just trying to look alive in case your Uncle from Secaucus calls on you to read about the four sons or your cousin from Great Neck throws matzo farfel at you. Many...
Passover 2012, Part 1: In case you thought Jewish...
Dearest readers, although I’ve been known to Chatty-Cathy my way through middle school chorus concerts, national war monuments, and High Holiday services, I cannot seem to force anything coherent out of my mouth…or, more accurately, my fingers. For the past two days, I have alternated between staring at my blank computer screen and looking over my shoulder to make sure a coworker...
March 2012
3 posts
An Ode to Friends: Loving you through the Good,...
Dear reader, I’d like to take a few moments to get a little preachy and PSA-ish on you: nothing in life is as important as good friends… okay, maybe family, but I’ve already scrapped every gem out of that diamond mine of dysfunction. Also, Passover is coming up, so G-d knows, quite literally, I’ll be writing about familial issues again soon.
In all seriousness, though, friends fill a special...
The Joys of Aging: In which I Write Too Much about...
Dear readers, I am tired and old, so I am going to make this post short and sweet.
Now, anyone who has ever shared a bathroom with me knows that nothing I do is “short and sweet.” My family’s ceiling is peeling like the dry skin of a teenager on Acutane (trust me, I’ve been there) thanks to my inability to shower in under fifteen minutes, and I shudder to think of how many women have...
Driving, Doctors, and Other Things that Make Me...
Dearest of dear readers, I cannot begin to convey how truly sorry I am that it has taken me such an unjustifiably long time to write another post, especially since so much of that time was spent watching episodes of Say Yes to the Dress and drinking Caramel-flavored vodka.
I know I made a New Year’s resolution not to start any of my posts with an apology, but just as with my other goal of...
February 2012
2 posts
Here's One for the Lovers
“Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! I hope you’re doing something fun with your loved ones to honor and cherish this remarkably wonderful day, be it your friends, family, or a SPECIAL someone!”
Is exactly what I would write, if I had fallen down our outside stairs and impaled my frontal lobe on the tip of the Tetanus-inducing rusty banister, while simultaneously doing...
A Really Weak Apology to My Family for Using Them...
Dear reader, if you’ve been kind enough to travel along with me on this blogging journey, two things have probably become obvious: 1) I don’t proofread for typos well and 2) maintaining my privacy is not high on my list of priorities. It’s certainly well below avoiding confrontations with giant rodents. I would not be writing to you in the first place if not for the simple fact...
January 2012
3 posts
Vermin Come to Westchester, Leading Me to...
Dear readers, I am once again horrendously late writing this post, but I have an excellent tried-and-true excuse: I’ve been suffering from an existential crisis. For those of you who may not have been on a college campus recently, the existential crisis is as common among undergrads as Mono. Sartre seminars spread the malady like shared Solo cups at an environmentally-friendly Frat party. As with...
See Ya, NY, and Your Giant Rats!: California...
Dear reader(s), as I sit here writing this post, grateful that my coworkers don’t realize that I have spent the last three hours reading reviews of organic Asian-fusion restaurants I’ll never be able to afford and wikipediaing 1980s sitcoms (how did I miss out on The Hogan Family), I am coming to the sad realization that New York may not be the city for me. Well, actually, it already...
May 2012 be a Year of Panic
Dear reader, I’m getting sick of myself apologizing every damn time I begin with one of these annoyingly sorry remarks. Oh wait, I started my penultimate post with an apology about apologizing for being late? Well, old habits certainly die hard, now don’t they? I guess I’ll have to add this to the New Year’s resolution … right behind learning how to drive, finding a boyfriend, figuring out...
December 2011
1 post
Hungover at Home: a (Hopefully) Not to Be Repeated...
I know I usually start off with how sorry I am for being remiss in keeping up with my blogging, but apologies are boring and lose a lot of their meaning after they’re repeated for the same mistakes. I might as well embrace honesty; dear reader, I suck. I am a shiftless young lady who has been gallivanting around Manhattan and making unproductive use of her time with activities that include: going...
November 2011
5 posts
iBuy an iPhone: Not as Cute or Easy as it Sounds
Dear readers, I have finally made the technological leap out of the aughts and into the teens, though perhaps using the phrase “the aughts” has also nudged me a few rungs up the douche ladder. Then again, it might be my sophisticated, stylish, techie purchase rubbing off on me. That’s right: I have finally bought a smartphone.
A caveat: by “bought” I mean my parents got me one as a birthday...
The Shires Go to Madison, 2011 Part 3-Ending on...
Dear readers, I am sorry it has taken me longer than I would have liked to write the last part in my ode to Madison. As anticipated the greatness of Badgerland could not be contained in a single post, and it has now achieved a hat trick in my heart. A quick recap, the triangle of Madison awesomeness is as follow: 1) friendly, Midwestern people, 2) delicious food, particularly the awe-inspiring...
The Shires Go to Madison, 2011 Part 2-Cheesy...
Before I continue with the second part of my Madison fairy tale, I realize I never fully explained why my family was going to Wisconsin in the first place. I mentioned that kin was involved, but specifically, it was visiting weekend for my brother, Matt, at the University of Wisconsin. This is actually an integral part of the story, because in addition to my new adoration for the Midwest,...
The Shires Go to Madison, 2011 Part 1-Why I love...
Between my desire for kosher Tex-Mex, my impatience with tourists, and my willingness to flip off law enforcement officials, I am pretty much built only to live in New York. Now,I don’t want to paint the wrong picture. I am still very much a bridge-and-tunnel girl. Raised in suburbia has left me aimlessly wandering around Manhattan wondering why I couldn’t find Fourth Avenue right...
I'm Back and Navelgazing
Hello, reader-you still there? I am not even going to pretend there are multiple ones of you out there, and Dad, you can go back to watching the Rangers game.
I have been absolutely abysmal about keeping up with the blog. Like the trail of dead, neglected goldfish from my childhood, this became one of the many projects I began with zest and soon forgot to maintain, nourish, and change the water...
October 2011
3 posts
An Examination of My Extreme Pessimism and...
Reader, I have a confession to make. Although I enjoy regaling/pinning down anyone who will listen to my very exciting tales of living at home and online dating, these stories belie my lack of adventurous spirit. On the contrary, I actually have a tendency to be a downer or a worrywart. Or, as my father so often says, “Emily, you’re just like your mother.”
I am starting to think...
The Wrong Kind of Reflections after fasting for...
Shalom, dear readers. For those of you who were unaware and wondering why the line at Buon Amici’s was so much shorter (shout out to the bridge and tunnel readers!) or why Joshua Tree was empty on Friday night, this weekend saw the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippor, the Day of Atonement. Yom Kippor is a pretty somber day, during which Jews pray to be cleansed and forgiven for their sins (which, when...
Notes from the Real Suburgatory
Happy New Year, dear reader! Now, as I mentioned in my last post, I spent the second half of last week in a food stupor, resembling the lazy Australian koala; chulent is my eucalyptus. Aside from the intra-family debate over which distant relative we like the least, nothing really roused me from my dietary satiation.
This peaceful apathy towards all things that were not consumable and...
September 2011
4 posts
Happy (Jewish) New Year, Guys
Hello, dear reader(s), or perhaps I should say shalom. For those of you who have never watched a television series with a “special” episode dedicated to the Jewish sidekick’s customs, “shalom” means hello, goodbye, and peace in Hebrew. And that, ladies and gents, has pretty much exhausted what is left of my two years of college Hebrew. Other than the secret handshake, shalom is how we Jews...
Welcome to the Frat House
Dear reader, I’d like to return to something I mentioned in a recent post regarding my familial/domestic situation that has subsequently struck me as a little ridiculous: the fact that living in my home is far more distracting and damaging to my work ethic than living in a dorm of a hundred plus college students. Now, to put this in context, I did attend a frigid (in temperature and...
Self-Confidence and Free Cheese Platters
So, in case you have been kind of enough to follow, I have not exactly lived up to my promise of writing more for the blog. However, the stars aligned to produce a series of not-so-subtle signals to get me back to the blog. One was that friends have written to me, noticing the dearth of recent posts, and I am grateful to these folks for showing support. The other was that I happened to...
Adjustment: Looking for that swagger
I am getting a little concerned that every time I write another post I start off apologizing for the fact that it has taken me so long and make a vow to myself that I will write one much sooner next time. Well, that old work ethic I used to pride myself on certainly has faltered at the wayside. Somewhere Ms. Phillips, my beloved fourth grade teacher, is shaking her head, eyes filled with...
August 2011
5 posts
Where are the Real Life, Genuine Pasty Men?:...
Hello, dear reader(s), if any of you are still out there, and the few of you who have had the patience to read my dribble are still following along. I have taken an embarrassingly long hiatus since my last post. If the past four years of studying the liberal arts has taught me anything it is how to form an eloquent excuse to justify inactivity. These past few months must have dulled my skills,...
Because the past four years weren't frustrating...
The great Carrie Bradshaw once said that in New York, everyone is always looking for a job, an apartment, or a boyfriend/girlfriend. Well, now that I am somewhat employed, yet still not financially stable enough to pay rent in a non-crackwhore district, I will focus my energies on the latter. By the way, as many New Yorkers/young urbanites of America know, regions indigenous to the crackwhore are...
Maybe not technically funemployed: the end of an...
I apologize in advance for taking far longer than I intended to write this latest post. I am going to take a page from the Sarah Palin playbook and blame someone/thing in a nonsensical way for an error that is totally and completely my fault; the gotcha-media in this is case is my little brother. He went to Cape Cod this past week and took my laptop charger without telling me! Yes, by “my laptop...
College Gets Better . . . JK: Singledom, Part 2
I left off in the last post about how high school was pretty sucky in terms of dating. I know a lot of girls who happen to be from similar demographic backgrounds that had similar dating frustrations in high school. Guess what? We were told the same age-old adage by our mothers, “It will get better in college.” If by better you mean boys may be a little more brazen in their attempts to drunkenly...
Just like Carrie Bradshaw but without the sex:...
Between discussing cover letters, going on job interviews, and holding down two fake jobs, I think I am forced to write about something else. Also, I have already used the word “job” three times in my first sentence and a half, and about a thousand times throughout the whole blog. So, I feel I have hit the word quota that psychiatrists will use to mark the line between “area of interest” and...
July 2011
7 posts
Adventures in Unemployment Part #6, Sleep...
I am not sure when this post will ultimately hit the great world wide web, but let me tell you now, dear reader, that it is 7:45 on a Saturday morning, which is a ridiculous hour for me to be awake. It is especially ridiculous because I woke up naturally, and even earlier, in fact, at 6:15. I can be pretty notorious in my house for sleeping until noon on a Saturday (unpaid internships will really...
Adventures in Unemployment, Part #5 Torn or Get...
Well, dear readers, it has been a while since I have written about my adventures in (f)unemployment. This is, in part, because I have tried to spend the last week rectifying my job status, otherwise known as scanning through mediabistro and mandy and obsessing over typos and weak grammar in cover letters. A brief but related side note, I hate proofing resumes and cover letters. Finding errors is...
Adventures in Unemployment, Part #4: Researching...
I think I have waxed a little too poetically and favorably about sleek kitchen internship in my penultimate post. As much as a shiny chrome fridge full of Diet Pepsi and vegan butter can brighten up one’s work environment, nay, entire day, it can ameliorate only so much. Yes, while others are on the streets approaching very pissed off urbanites to sign petitions for Free the Children or (and I...
The One That Got Away: My One Chance of Employment...
I feel a little guilty about this, but I turned down the one job I was offered this summer because the hours and the work environment sent me running for the hills. The pay was decent, though, and if I weren’t so fortunate with my family, I wouldn’t have the support of turning it down. Moreover, I am lucky that I had the full approval from my parents not to think twice about declining and trying...
Adventures in Unemployment, Part #3 The Redeeming...
I think it is only fair in the name of equality, blind to race, sex, or creed, that I do a rundown of the other place where I am working for free, too. I am sure I will be back to writing about my other locale in the next post. I am so certain not so much in my commitment to equally devoting space but because an Orthodox office that preaches the dangers of mixed dancing is a little more...
Adventures in Unemployment, Part #2 Free Sushi
Remember that little voice I mentioned, the one that asks me every morning why the hell I am at this office. Well, it gets a lot freakin’ louder when I work between the sons of two executives who are getting paid for their part-time work. One is the Jewish version of Michael Cera. Heretofore referred to as JMC, he gets a little nervous and awkward, tries to give instructions, mumbles, and...
Adventures in Unemployment, Part I
I almost titled this blog “Adventures in Unemployment,” but I decided against. Mind you, this was more because I thought writing about looking for jobs would get tired pretty quickly, rather than because I am ashamed of admitting I am unemployed. In fact, I probably wear it a little too proudly on my sleeve. Like a child who boldly announces to everyone her parents are getting divorced with a...
June 2011
4 posts
Post #3, Just Like the Kardashians
I apologize that this post is already later than I originally intended, but fear not; the memories of familial tension, nay “tension” is too delicate, fracas are still quite vivid. I think my 11 year old cousin Samantha summed it up best when she turned to me, ashen and somber just 12 hours after her arrival in New York, and said, “Oh my god, there is so much drama. We’re just like the...
“Humor is just another defense against the universe.”
– Mel Brooks
Greetings from Amtrak, Dear Reader
I sit here on the Amtrak Northeast Regional, trying to think of something coherent to write, and already I am off to the auspicious start of having initially spelled “write” as “right.” My degree in History and Literature is being put to good use already. Actually, my clean punctuation and tight grammar come from my parents. I come from a family in which my mother goes through my younger brother’s...
Introductory Post
I wrote a real post, a hopefully entertaining one when I was bored riding Amtrak this morning, but I guess I should do an intro to the blog itself before posting something long and ridiculous. I am a very superstitious person, and I feel it is already a kiss of death to this little blog to title something “introductory post,” assuming it will go beyond an introduction. I am already...
